Wednesday, March 04, 2015
Tuesday, March 03, 2015
While we all still miss and mourn my dad it sounds almost callous to say that we don't miss mum that much. No, that's not quite right, it isn't about missing her I think it has to do with how she died.
Dad was ill for three months in hospital, his dying seemed inevitable but because his illness pushed his dementia to the front it felt like we weren't able to say goodbye properly. I felt cheated, that despite his age (89) I wasn't quite ready to see him go. Even now there are moments I want to share with him, especially when the boys achieve something.
With mum her downward spiral started in the year after dad died. She gave up, we weren't enough for her to hold on for and in the last few years she unclipped herself from daily life, ending up in the care home thanks in part to my ME/CFS and thanks in part to the level of care she needed. I just couldn't carry her any more mentally or physically. When someone does give up it is extremely hard, impossible even, to help them and once you help them with something you find yourself doing that for them from then on.
Does that sound selfish? Maybe, but I've spent so long worrying about others, doing everything for them, grinding myself down in the meantime that perhaps I need that sliver of selfishness.
The last week, when mum was taken in to hospital for the umpteenth time, I admit to having been blasé about it. I'd gotten in to a routine of planning my life around visits, demands, taking her to and from the place. Realising this was the final time was a shock but in a way I was so well prepared that I was completely ready for what happened next.
That made the difference.
We were used to her no longer paying attention, of being withdrawn and uninterested. It is still hard to walk past the care home knowing someone else is in her little flat, I think it would be harder if we were to see the flat, all those memories from that last few years. Does this mean that at some point it will hit me and I will grieve properly? Who knows.
I don't chose to remember my mother from that time, our relationship had been a roller-coaster and I select the best memories from that but I don't feel the wish to talk to her again like I do for my dad.
|Remembering her properly, not as the person she became. We were on our way to Millport, to pay tribute to my dad, this is the person I miss.|
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Friday, February 27, 2015
It has been an odd sort of weeks. The lurgy came, visited Eldest, me, back to Eldest again. I took a fantastically graceful (not) dive on the ice that managed to injure both hands, the right faring particularly badly. Trying dressing without your dominant hand - now try put a bra on. Yes, exactly.
In the midst of these trivial little daily dramas I got the call I dread at this time of year. Another of my dad's sisters had died.
While feeling deeply for what my cousin was going through I realised there is only one of the six sisters left. Ironically the one who was forever complaining about ailments, as the old Scottish saying has it - the squeaky gate lasts the longest.
I remember being at one of the infamous family gatherings in my auntie Sheila's home. We were in the kitchen laughing at the volume of noise coming from the living room. Auntie Sheila remarked that it sounded like they were all speaking at once, they probably were to be honest.
It's too quiet now.
Thursday, January 01, 2015
Off I trot to read some crafty, artistic blogs and I was enjoying immersing myself in other people's inventiveness when I learned of this tragic news. I had followed and really relished the inspiring influence of artist, illustrator, sculptor and crafter Vanessa of the Do You Mind If I Knit blog. Many people linked to her crochet tutorials as the definitive way to learn the craft.
It's disheartening and, whatever happened, she will be missed by her readers. She hadn't blogged in a long while and it was already a disappointment when clicking on her blog brought no new goodies. I can only hope she knew how well thought of she was and how many people she encouraged.
Some of Vanessa's work:
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
- Paint more (or pastels, or drawing)
- Dance at least once a day
- Hold strong
- Be true to oneself
- Cross-stitch to relax
- Enjoy the surroundings
- Take happiness in seeing wildlife
- Go for long rambling walks
- Acknowledge the illness
- But don't surrender to it
- If it takes longer to do then it takes longer
- Don't be a people pleaser above all else
- Be kind
- Make a living and then some
- Be confident
- Write for myself every day
- Make a plan not a schedule
Monday, December 29, 2014
If I end my days know as a good mum and loved by my boys then that is all I can ask for. This might be a tough few months ahead but I can think on that to get me through.