Friday, April 11, 2014

The Strangest Month

As a good part of it is spent on holiday and all routine is thrown to the wind, this does feel like an odd month.  Stranger still is that I realised today there is not going to be a point any time soon when I walk down to the town and don't still expect to go to my mother's flat.

I pass by even though I should turn left and through the automatic doors, greeted by the smells of food from the kitchens as we trot upstairs to the little flat after first checking to see if she was in the common room.

Routine has all gone and things are uncertain.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Mothering Sunday

My competence as a daughter may have been questionable however I am hopeful that I make a much better mum. 

As the first mothers day where I've not had to think of presents or outings it did feel more than a little strange.  My boys put a lot of effort in to this morning, home made pancakes from one and chocolates and a card from the other.  Lovely.

So here is chubby little me with my ever unimpressed mother at the old cafe near Millport.  The site of the cafe is now where my dad's bench is, where her plaque is in the process of being added.

Tuesday, March 04, 2014

The Business of Death

Sunday morning my mother gave up her fight against pneumonia.   Getting on with the business of death is much easier than when my dad died but holding off the sledgehammer of grief is just as hard.

Last time it was because I had to be there completely for my mother.  She relied on me entirely and grief was closed away in a box.  Now I go about the informing of relatives and friends, an ever shrinking group - what once took me two evenings now took just over an hour.

Tomorrow I will clear out what I want from her little flat and donate the rest - clothes, books and furniture to the other residents.  I've already contacted the council to get her plaque beside dad's on the bench at Fintry Bay.  It's a machine in motion and at some point I'll get off, clear my head and be able to untangle these confused emotions and think.

We had a difficult relationship over the years but what does that matter?  Next Monday we will see who comes to pay their respects but I'm of the mind that it's their conscience on how they treated her in life.

Saturday, March 01, 2014


It's the first day of Spring today and I can read yesterday's post with mild horror.  No matter how turbulent the emotions are nothing humbles more than sitting beside your dying parent.

And The World Tips Once Again

So it looks highly likely that at some point today I'll lose my mother.

And the worse thing is not that our difficult relationship is making it hard to mourn or that my illness is making it hard to cope.  Instead a huge selfish bug has kicked in and all I can think of is that we're likely to lose our home.

Once again I fail as a mother.  My boys are doing so well at the school yet I know that the mortgage company will laugh at the very thought of letting me pay off the remainder, which in the grand scheme of things isn't much (about £15k).  Ex made sure my credit rating was ruined and there is not one thing I can do about it - and I've tried.

Does that seem callous?  To be thinking of this as my mother lies dying?  Possibly, as there will always be a solution.  Part of me just wants to crumple to the ground, part of me wants to run into the street screaming at the top of my lungs.  We are a small family and since my dad died it seems to have been a run of bad luck.  I just want to catch a break, I want to be able to relax and mourn properly without life constantly kicking me further down.

Sunday, February 02, 2014

Just Because Sometimes...

You didn't see me I was falling apart
I was a white girl in a crowd of white girls in the park
You didn't see me I was falling apart
I was a television version of a person with a broken heart

Saturday, February 01, 2014

It's Like This

If your imagination is stifled, not encouraged in any way, then it becomes stagnant and more difficult to access.  As a parent it's a responsibility to let your children become who they are not who you expect them to be.

Let them run; roll down the hill; get their new shoes muddy; paint and draw and forget the mess until it's time for you all to clear up (yes, them too, it's important); bake cakes and not worry if they're inedible or all over the place; write silly stories; sing silly songs; make up words.

That's the jist of it all.

On another note, it's also worthy letting them fail, finding out that the world, that people, are sometimes mean and nasty.  Grow from it, confident that they know how to deal with the situation, that they haven't been hidden away and protected to the point that they can't cope with reality.

That last one I'm seeing a lot of.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Keep On Swimming

It is dark days like this that make me think of restarting the other blog, the one where I parked my negative thoughts during the aftermath of my marriage break-up.  Because once the black cloud has me it is very hard, very hard to force a positive outlook and on nights like this, if it wasn't for the fact I have my sons, I would no longer be here.

That is a scary truth to acknowledge but I fear that for my own sake I must do so.  I'm always "fine", I'm always trying to smile through it but as times it gets so difficult.  I hate to be melancholy and to pick over the bones of what is wrong in an orgy of self pity but I just can't help it at times and if I hold on in there it will pass.

It's like the kiddie film when they say keep on swimming but I sometimes wonder how long I have to swim through the filthy, mucky stuff and when I will reach clear, blue water.