Thursday, January 01, 2015

Start The New Year With Some Sad News

It's a blustery, wet, dark, dank day, the kind that lazy days indoors were made for so productivity here has been zero.  So online and messing around was the order for the day.  Meanwhile in my mind is whirring the cogs of creativity, where can I go that will give me the satisfaction I need.

Off I trot to read some crafty, artistic blogs and I was enjoying immersing myself in other people's inventiveness when I learned of this tragic news.  I had followed and really relished the inspiring influence of artist, illustrator, sculptor and crafter Vanessa of the Do You Mind If I Knit blog.  Many people linked to her crochet tutorials as the definitive way to learn the craft.

It's disheartening and, whatever happened, she will be missed by her readers.  She hadn't blogged in a long while and it was already a disappointment when clicking on her blog brought no new goodies.  I can only hope she knew how well thought of she was and how many people she encouraged.

Some of Vanessa's work:

Wednesday, December 31, 2014


  • Paint more (or pastels, or drawing)
  • Dance at least once a day
  • Hold strong
  • Be true to oneself
  • Cross-stitch to relax
  • Enjoy the surroundings
  • Take happiness in seeing wildlife
  • Go for long rambling walks
  • Acknowledge the illness
  • But don't surrender to it
  • If it takes longer to do then it takes longer
  • Don't be a people pleaser above all else
  • Be kind
  • Make a living and then some
  • Be confident
  • Write for myself every day
  • Make a plan not a schedule

Well we're here again...

Monday, December 29, 2014

Those Handsome Boys Of Mine

I make no excuse for being proud of my boys.  We've been through so much and on this day when they've become teenagers, despite driving me mad sometimes, they have turned into a pair of fine young lads.  Unfortunately the behaviour of their father is a constant blight but we manage to get past the games and nonsense with barely a blip.

If I end my days know as a good mum and loved by my boys then that is all I can ask for.  This might be a tough few months ahead but I can think on that to get me through.

We three.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

High School Never Stops

I find it curious that behaviours my sons' complain about in their classmates (and probably in themselves too) are still swilling around in people my age and older.

Was discussing a friend who hadn't been in touch for a while, one who had stopped speaking to me soon after my mother's death and had been posting unionist images on Facebook during the referendum while I was trying to put the ideals of independence across yet blanking my worried texts, I took on advice to close the book with an email.  Lord, it's like the letter writing of old only this time there is proof of what was written and when and to whom.

So I sent the email, apologising for any offence I had caused unknowingly.  Then today a reply, and not a nice one.  This from a woman I had been colleagues and then friends with for the past five years, a woman in her early 50s, we had both supported each other through illnesses so the abrupt halt had worried me.  Although I had hoped she was okay I was also hurt that she dropped me so soon after mother died.  Without actually answering what I had done so wrong to reap such a response the email was nasty to the point I am now glad not to have to contact her again.

Bizarre behaviour but perhaps I look too deeply in to why people do what they do - curiosity outweighing the fact I can be a sticky-beak in things not of my concern.  It's enough to drive a psychotherapist to distraction.

That is the end of that.  Now all we need is some hair pulling and playground cat calls with friends taking sides and it would be back to high school.  Some things never change.

I am 42 for only a day more and to be honest, not only do I not have the answers to life, I have more questions.

Tuesday, December 02, 2014

When It's Cold and Dark and Dank

Now I don't mind the cold; there is nothing quite as refreshing as a crisp frosty morning.  Unfortunately we don't get many of those, instead outside is consistently damp, as though nature has wet itself, and that is not refreshing at all.

At these times I remember the warmth, the oven dry heat, azure skies and Vitamin D drenching sun.  I wonder where my future lies, what is ahead, I can either focus on the darkness past or sunshine future and yes, it really is that way.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

The Sands of Time Run Fast

I can't believe that it has been two months since I posted here but then as I'm the only one who clocks in then it's me who gets let down.  It's simple like that.

As I had thought I'd posted some memories of our latest holiday in warm and wonderful Lanzarote, made harder by the fact I did not want to come home at all, there is always that to look forward to doing at some point.  However of late my concern has been lack of time.

I sometimes feel that one of the major symptoms of ME is how much time it steals.  While I slow down the world continues apace and I cannot run to catch up because...well...I cannot run.

I need to develop some way of making a living from freelancing, enough for us to live off of with maybe some left over to enjoy a couple of holidays a year.  My savings are almost gone, yet finding the courage not to have a panic attack at the thought of someone not paying up or things going disastrously wrong is almost overwhelming and naturally there is no help out there to guide me through it, to give me my old tenacity back.

One thing I would love to do, but lack the talent and time to progress very far, is to be an artist.  I'm filled with envy and inspiration when I see others do what I wish I could.  At the moment this is how well I can complete a pastel:

Errors, errors, everywhere!  I need to get better, not for anyone else but for myself.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Life Is A Lottery

((insert witticism about having the winning ticket here))

No, I am meaning this literally.  Was having one of those chats with a friend the other day - you know the "if you had the money to...?"  Reality gnaws at the truth we would only be in that position with a lottery win and while buying a ticket does greatly increase the chances of that it can be a fun yet torturous game to play anyway.  Want of ambition when we were at school kept any aspiration we had to be great achievers at bay, this is what you end up doing.

Sometime when my mind drifts, and it often drifts, I imagine a world where I have limitless funds.  Oh the things I could do, the places I could visit.  At the moment the idea of escape is a delicious one.  I have a list, I have a plan and I will have the ability one day to put it all into action - I hope!

We're off on holiday in a few weeks, it is desperately needed.

Might as well dream I have the body as well as the pool.